Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?