I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
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Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
is there nothing we can trust anymore
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole