I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
You Might Also Like
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee