I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me