Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

If you know, you know

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.