I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
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My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Camel dough
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
seriously you guys
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
How dramatic are you?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.