Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

Me: how are you

Friday: good

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically