Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.