My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body