Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

When your parents check you’re ok.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant