I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Look, a pure bread cat!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.