Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

Lunatics are gonna loon.

selfie game

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.