Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

#oldknees

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.