I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
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[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.