I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
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My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?