I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me