Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks