if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
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THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.