me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires
british officer: what about that bloody fork
me: this is no time to eat sir
I JUST SAW A MAN KICK A RAT WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT DID THAT RAT EVER DO TO YOU SIR FOR ALL YOU KNOW HE COULD BE AN AMAZING CHEF IN PARIS
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ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
a god among men
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
me: you wanna hang out later?
her: sorry i don’t talk to guys who are under 6’
me: please mom i miss you