Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

This seems like peak sibling energy

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

This was a bad idea all around

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.