I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
kevin is now a local weatherman
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter