I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
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BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you