I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning