I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!