Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this