Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this