I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
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If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
out-housing market appears to be strong
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.