I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
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Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
New Tinder profile.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*