Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.