Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?