Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

Barbie gone wild

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….