Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

If I ignore life will it go away?

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

12. I think about this all the damn time

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?