Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Smile they said.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.