I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
damn he’s good
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.