Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

Rude much 😂😂😂

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

respect

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color