Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

This bar smells like my childhood.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

you have three unread messages

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.