I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Breaking news:
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Meow
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart