I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
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So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
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Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.