I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
You Might Also Like
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Can’t. Being lazy.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
The point of your 20s
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
If you breakdance you buy dance.