Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.