I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
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Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.