I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
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Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.