I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win