I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
classic mixup
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.