I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My first son he is wonderful
