I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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Taco Bell, Exit 22
CRYING
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.