Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

Alexa, make me look good naked.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

translated into Canadian

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am