Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*