I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
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Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.