Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*