Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

Finally, a door that understands me

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.