Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

time machine? you mean a clock?

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about