Soup: for when you want to be hungry again in 20 minutes
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
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Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*
Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*