What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
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If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*