I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face

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INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.


I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.


My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.


[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?


Doctor: yes then why did you ask?


Infomercial: “Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can’t get any results?”

Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!


If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.


Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.


Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL’d at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools’ jokes.