Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write “wash me” on her face
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INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Infomercial: “Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can’t get any results?”
Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL’d at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools’ jokes.