I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
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They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now