Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.