Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.