Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?