*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
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I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
the rocks need my help
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Owl Sanctuary
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.