Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

i’m so sick of this guy

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

Discuss

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.