I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
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You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily