Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

when someone rings the doorbell

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.