Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

#have a #great #PancakeDay

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.