I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
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Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
The news is so predictable nowadays
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.