I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
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Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
We are the people our parents warned us about.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.