Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
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Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
i think both sides are to blame here
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?