Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.