Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?