I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
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Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
When I snag the last meatball.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle